The counting thread

[BrilloPad]

21

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'


'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.



'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'



The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop ... but at the bar... You know ... they have frozen glasses... '



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'



'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.



'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'



'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH-T! SIT YOUR *** DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[BrilloPad]

22

Q What is a silly mans idea of safe sex?
A A padded headboard.




Q What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A Patient.


A depressed farmer is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows. ‘What’s the matter, mate? The bartender asks sympathetically.
‘When I was milking my prize cow, she knocked the bucket over with her tail,’ the farmer replies. ‘So I took off my belt and tied her tail out of the way.’
‘Oh well, that doesn’t sound so bad,’ the bartender says.
‘No,’ the farmer adds. ‘But then my trousers fell down and my wife walked in'.

[The SMG]

23.

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."

Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."

[Vaseline]

24.

Sorry, no jokes. I'm having a crap day

V

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by Vaseline

24.

Sorry, no jokes. I'm having a crap day

V

25.

Sorry to hear that Vaseline. I hope things are better now. Where is the hug smilie?

[BrilloPad]

26

TRUE STORY!!!

Extracted from a note from the Zimbabwe GTA (Government
Telecommunication Agency) Y2K Project Manager to the GTA IT Directory.

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I
have finished converting all the "y's" to "K's" for all the months on
all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the
following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I'm sure you'll be pleased that the project has been completed well in
advance of the target completion date. Yes, in Zimbabwe we are now 100%
Y2K compliant.

Regards

Joseph Kazimba
Project Manager
The Zimbabwe Y2K Branch Team

[BrilloPad]

27

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father
to start their family. On the day the proxy father was about to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
Photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith
cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've
made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry
and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six
or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in
downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer
handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling
on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your, eh.... equipment ?".

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

[BrilloPad]

28

Estrogen Found in Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains
small traces of female hormones. To prove their
theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became
emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and
refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[BrilloPad]

29

NEW DISCOVERY IN THE WORLD OF SCIENCE
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of
the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been
tentatively named "Administratium".
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take
over 4 days to complete when it would normally take only a
few minutes. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years;
it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization,
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons
and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places, and additional
peons are added.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization causes some morons to become
neutrons forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it...

[BrilloPad]

30

Performance Review Quotes This is reportedly a list
of Performance Reviews that were taken from actual
employee performance evaluations:
Beware......
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.