It's Monday...

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Since it's Monday, just to cheer you up:

BBC NEWS | Scotland | Edinburgh, East and Fife | Hedgehog joke wins comedy prize

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

[Azazel]

The first joke my mum taught me was:

"My wife has gone to the West Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord"

[curleyted]

My mum didn't teach me this one, but funny all the same:

The teacher turned to the class and asked "can anyone give me an example of the word 'contagious'".

Alice, a clever girl who sat at the front put up her hand and said "last month I had a cold and I wasn't allowed to visit my grandmother because my mummy said I was contagious".

"Very good Alice" said the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Timmy at the back put is hand up. The teacher despairing looked around the room, but his was the only hand up. Sighing she said "OK Timmy"

"At the weekend my dad saw our neighbour painting the outside of his house with a small paintbrush. My dad said "look at that idiot, it's going to take the c**t ages"

[Goonie]

Here's some for your Monday lunchtime, I apologise in advance but it was the best I could remember:

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

Q. Where can you find a dog with no legs?
A. Wherever you left it

A fish swims into a wall. Dam.

Well well well. Three holes in the ground

[Malvolio]

There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Pistachio]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his name plate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, "Mr. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday."

Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral." He holds up the tiny pink elephant "I mean, what the **** is this?"

The bank manager replies, "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[The SMG]

Why did Nivea scream?

Because Max Factor...

[Linton]

I went on holiday to Australia last year, and as I got off the plane there were some of the natives playing songs such as "Dancing Queen" and "Waterloo" on their didgeridoos.

I couldn't but help to think to myself "why, that's Abbariginal"

[Beefy198]

Well, here we go again...